Falling
by Kagedtiger
Summary: [2000 remake] Judas has finally given in to inevitability and decided to betray Jesus. But is it possible that what he wants isn't as distant as he thought? [Judas x Jesus slash]


Falling

  


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**Notes: Jesus Christ Superstar is the brainchild of Andrew Lloyd Webber and Tim Rice, and I worship it but do not own it. I gots no moneys from this, ya here?! Anyhoos. Yeah. They're wonderful. Jerome Pradon is my hero. That is all.**  
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The decision had been made. There was no turning back. Now it was all just a matter of time. 

Judas knew that theoretically he could still change his mind. If he really wanted to he could confess to Jesus exactly what he had done, and they could get out of here before the Romans came. Or he could point out the wrong person to the guards. He knew that any one of the apostles would gladly die in Jesus's place. But Jesus would never let them, and he would never be able to bring himself to confess to Jesus what he had done. The betrayal had taken place. There was nothing more to do. 

Judas sat at the edge of the garden, watching. And Jesus had known, hadn't he? He had seemed to, at supper. He had practically told Judas to betray him. So he had. It was for the best. Judas watched Jesus from his small haven behind a grove of trees. He was so beautiful. So naive. His insane idealism was going to get him killed if he wasn't careful. But now Judas had done the hardest thing in his life, and it would all be okay. Jesus would be locked up like all the others, but he would be safe. In time perhaps he would fade out of public view and he could be released. Then things could go back to the way they were. 

Jesus was looking sadly up at the sky. He seemed to be saying something, but Judas was too far away to hear what it was. Was he talking to God, Judas wondered. Did he believe in God? Judas knew that lately Jesus had been getting a bit of an ego from all the power he weilded. Perhaps he felt that he needed to be able to speak to God if he was to hold on to all of his followers. But did he really believe it himself? Was he so far gone that he actually thought his God was speaking to him? 

Judas heard a muffled footstep behind him and a nervous rustling of cloth. The sounds were almost lost beneath the pleasant night sounds of chirping crickets and the musical tinkling of a nearby stream, but Judas had been listening for them. He stood silently. 

"Which one is he?" hissed one of the guards behind him. Judas gazed out at Jesus and the sleeping apostles. He could just tell them of course, but that seemed somehow beneath Jesus's dignity. If he was to be captured today, then there should be some air of ceremony about it. 

Judas had spent a good deal of time thinking this over. It was only fitting, he thought, that he show Jesus just what he was sacrificing for this betrayal. If he'd had the courage to talk to him, maybe he would have told Jesus just how much it had hurt to see the way he looked at Mary. Judas still remembered how it used to be, how he was the most important person in Jesus's life. He missed that. He wanted it again more than anything in the world. But it wasn't going to happen, he knew. 

But there was one way to tell him. There was one way to let Jesus know exactly how much he loved him. There was one way to express without words that his love wasn't the same as that of the other apostles. His love was much less pure. It ran deeper. And he had to show that to Jesus, before they were seperated, probably forever. 

"Look for the man I kiss," he told the guards quietly. "That man will be Jesus Christ." 

He stepped from behind his grove and made his way hesitantly towards the brilliant form of their leader, teacher, his love. Jesus turned as he heard Judas approaching, and Judas could see a concealed agony in his face. So he did know then. He knew exactly why Judas was here. 

He stepped closer. Jesus shook his head slightly, as though imploring Judas not to go through with it, or perhaps regretting the certainty that he would. Judas couldn't look him in the eyes. He wanted to. He wanted to feel the beautiful gaze that seemed to see everyone as so much more than just human. He wanted to look into his eyes one last time. But he couldn't. 

He hesitated ever-so-slightly and then, before he could lose his nerve, he stepped forwards and bridged the gap between them. This was it. He knew what he would find. He could almost see the picture in his mind. Jesus's eyes would widen in horror, and he would step back. Judas would smirk at him as he always did, and his eyes would say, "see, this is why I'm doing it. I love you. Not like any of these other fools. I really love you. I want you. You were everything I ever wanted." And Jesus would shake his head again, this time in denial. "How could you?" his expression would ask. And then the guards would take him away and Judas wouldn't have to face the scorn, hatred, and disgust that Jesus would feel for him after his confession. 

Judas deeped the kiss slightly. He could already feel him. There was an unresponsiveness in Jesus's lips that came from the utter shock of what Judas was doing. He had obviously known Judas would betray him, but he had apparently never guessed it would come like this. 

Then, to Judas's utter horror, the worst thing that could ever have happened, did. 

Jesus was kissing him back. He was returning the kiss, and Judas could feel the suppressed passion in it. It was impossible. Too incredible to be real. Jesus wanted him? Was it really possible that Jesus felt the same way? That he loved him back? It seemed to good to be true. 

But it was. Dear God, it was. He really cared. Judas's mind was a tangled mess of emotion. What on earth did this mean? They had a chance? A sharp, intense joy filled him. It didn't have to be the way it was. It was better than that. This was so much better. The kiss ended and he collapsed into Jesus's arms. It was going to be okay. He felt like crying. Everything was going to be okay. 

Then to his immense horror, Judas felt a rough hand on his arm. Someone or someones were pulling them apart. He cried out as the comforting warmth of Jesus's body was ripped from him. Suddenly everything came rushing back to him as the guard flung him against a nearby tree like so much useless trash. He felt himself falling, his legs unable to support him as he collapsed slowly to the ground. He could see, dimly, as though through a haze, that Jesus was reaching for him, desperately screaming his name. He wanted to go to him, but he couldn't seem to make himself move. 

'I've betrayed him,' came the thought. It fell into his mind like a leaden tombstone, pushing out everything else. 'It's all over. I'm never going to see him again. He'll be safe, but I'll never be able to see him again. What have I done?' 

Judas knew, with all his heart, that he would go to Hell for this. 

  


  


- THE END -

Oh God, that was hideous. Take me back.   
or   
Oh God, that was hideous. Let me complain to the author. 


End file.
